my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
