You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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