I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
