the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
