so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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