I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My bed smells like the plague
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