I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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