Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
