It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
