All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
