mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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