I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i will never coherently bang her
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
