if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
