There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
