Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
