i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
