So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
