i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
