I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
