The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
