If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
