So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
