i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I want her autograph on my taint
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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