i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
