i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
