My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
