I smell stomach acid.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
