my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
