drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
BRING THE BAGELS
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
