his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I have fence marks all over my body
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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