I am midnight drunk by noon
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I am naked and annoyed.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
