ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
