Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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