So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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