Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
