Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize