I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Randomize
