Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
this is an emotional support booty call
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
