Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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