i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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