i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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