you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
