I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize