I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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