He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
