I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize