My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
