my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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