I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
