If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
