it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
