Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
