I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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