it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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