I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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