It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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