Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
