I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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