It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
