i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
