Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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